I'm cleaning out my computer files in preparation for work (clean slate, fewer distractions, simplification = productivity and peace) and came across this quote, which inspires me to be noble, be an adult, and be grateful for all that I have:
Anybody can be happy in the state of comfort, ease, health, success, pleasure and joy; but if one will be happy and contented in the time of trouble, hardship and prevailing disease, it is the proof of nobility. Thanks be to God that that dear servant of God is extremely patient under the disastrous circumstances, and in the place of complaining gives thanks.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 363)
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Growth
This past fasting period was a strange one for me. I was sick for a lot of it, and my body was not responding well to fasting this year, so I didn't most days. I usually find a bit more time for prayer and reflection, but with that, too, time flew by. I had a few wonderful mornings, up early and with time to read a great book with stories about prayer. But by and large, I was mainly just trying to survive emotionally and physically and very eager for spring. I wanted very much to reap some of the benefits of personal growth it promises, but struggled to find the time and energy to engage with change.
Now, just a few days after it's over, I'm re-learning about all my faults and the many things I need to work on. In the past few days, I've insulted a whole horde of people, mainly unintentionally. I've displayed my inadequate levels of compassion for those whose ways of being offend me (and why am I offended anyways? What is so wrong about bad manners, high heels and being more reserved - even if I interpret it as snobby and stand-off-ish?) I've relearned about how rapidly I judge those who strike me as superficial or hypocritical - which is very quickly - and that I then don't treat them with the love, understanding or warmth that I think I need to show to everyone I meet. In general, I am not displaying respect for the dignity, individuality and creativity of everyone I meet - I'm using my values as the standard for evaluation.
And I am deeply disturbed by this. We're here to build unity. I can only build unity if I see others with an eye of oneness. To me, this means looking to them and expecting great things; being open and curious to learn more about why they do and say the things they do; and watching my words and actions so I express respect for others regardless of their positions. Because much as I might dislike certain behaviours - let's take talking and laughing during a musical performance as one pertinent example - I can't engage with those people and expect change unless I approach them with an attitude of respect.
Telling them to shape up - shut up - shhh - be quiet - simply antagonizes them, pushes them further into their behaviour, and creates camps from which neither of us wants to retreat. I certainly have no desire to apologize for telling people to shush during a musical performance. I'm sure they aren't willing to admit there was anything wrong from talking and joking if they weren't enjoying themselves. But then we end up stuck in our uncomfortable positions, neither giving way, and not moving any closer to unity - or to reforming our own character. From my side, I could learn that I can't control others, and find ways to ask people to be quiet that might be more respectful. For them, they might learn more appreciation of different cultures and develop a deeper understanding of ... good manners :)
So clearly, this isn't a change that will be easy. I still have my ideas of how people should behave. But until I let go of those and approach more people openly and positively, I will continue to make myself miserable by harping over other people's faults, all the while cementing the weaknesses in my own character by judging others, and then truly making myself miserable (and unhealthy, cancer-ridden, etc.) by obsessing over it indefinitely.
In spite of knowing all this, I still am not sure how to move forward with it. I know I need to change. I want to change. I acknowledge that change will be painful and I am open to it. But I know how elusive true transformation can be, and how easily my mind falls into judgment. But that's where we get back to the power of prayer, combined, I hope, with the power of action.
Any other suggestions?
Now, just a few days after it's over, I'm re-learning about all my faults and the many things I need to work on. In the past few days, I've insulted a whole horde of people, mainly unintentionally. I've displayed my inadequate levels of compassion for those whose ways of being offend me (and why am I offended anyways? What is so wrong about bad manners, high heels and being more reserved - even if I interpret it as snobby and stand-off-ish?) I've relearned about how rapidly I judge those who strike me as superficial or hypocritical - which is very quickly - and that I then don't treat them with the love, understanding or warmth that I think I need to show to everyone I meet. In general, I am not displaying respect for the dignity, individuality and creativity of everyone I meet - I'm using my values as the standard for evaluation.
And I am deeply disturbed by this. We're here to build unity. I can only build unity if I see others with an eye of oneness. To me, this means looking to them and expecting great things; being open and curious to learn more about why they do and say the things they do; and watching my words and actions so I express respect for others regardless of their positions. Because much as I might dislike certain behaviours - let's take talking and laughing during a musical performance as one pertinent example - I can't engage with those people and expect change unless I approach them with an attitude of respect.
Telling them to shape up - shut up - shhh - be quiet - simply antagonizes them, pushes them further into their behaviour, and creates camps from which neither of us wants to retreat. I certainly have no desire to apologize for telling people to shush during a musical performance. I'm sure they aren't willing to admit there was anything wrong from talking and joking if they weren't enjoying themselves. But then we end up stuck in our uncomfortable positions, neither giving way, and not moving any closer to unity - or to reforming our own character. From my side, I could learn that I can't control others, and find ways to ask people to be quiet that might be more respectful. For them, they might learn more appreciation of different cultures and develop a deeper understanding of ... good manners :)
So clearly, this isn't a change that will be easy. I still have my ideas of how people should behave. But until I let go of those and approach more people openly and positively, I will continue to make myself miserable by harping over other people's faults, all the while cementing the weaknesses in my own character by judging others, and then truly making myself miserable (and unhealthy, cancer-ridden, etc.) by obsessing over it indefinitely.
In spite of knowing all this, I still am not sure how to move forward with it. I know I need to change. I want to change. I acknowledge that change will be painful and I am open to it. But I know how elusive true transformation can be, and how easily my mind falls into judgment. But that's where we get back to the power of prayer, combined, I hope, with the power of action.
Any other suggestions?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Strong Women
I saw some amazingly strong women this weekend. Women who have a firm, unshakeable connection with the spiritual realm and the source of guidance. Women who know what their mission is and are pursuing it. Women who have made and continue to make sacrifices to achieve these goals - and do it with pleasure, not regret. Women who are there for other people, giving support and encouragement and not letting them wimp out of contributing their share. Gentle, loving, compassionate, but fierce and firm and strong. It was really inspiring.
Of course, these are also women who don't seem to cry. I'm sure they do - I just couldn't imagine it. Whereas I was welling up every two minutes with something else inspirational. I think this can be a good thing. I don't think it's weak at all. But I am curious about these different ways of approaching the challenging and inspiring and touching experiences of life.
Of course, these are also women who don't seem to cry. I'm sure they do - I just couldn't imagine it. Whereas I was welling up every two minutes with something else inspirational. I think this can be a good thing. I don't think it's weak at all. But I am curious about these different ways of approaching the challenging and inspiring and touching experiences of life.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Inspiring myself
Came across this quote recently and it inspired me to look at my life and how I life. I love the standard it sets for living:
The Day Star of Truth that shineth in its meridian splendor beareth Us witness! They who are the people of God have no ambition except to revive the world, to ennoble its life, and regenerate its peoples. Truthfulness and good-will have, at all times, marked their relations with all men. Their outward conduct is but a reflection of their inward life, and their inward life a mirror of their outward conduct. No veil hideth or obscureth the verities on which their Faith is established. Before the eyes of all men these verities have been laid bare, and can be unmistakably recognized. Their very acts attest the truth of these words.
(Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 270-271)
The Day Star of Truth that shineth in its meridian splendor beareth Us witness! They who are the people of God have no ambition except to revive the world, to ennoble its life, and regenerate its peoples. Truthfulness and good-will have, at all times, marked their relations with all men. Their outward conduct is but a reflection of their inward life, and their inward life a mirror of their outward conduct. No veil hideth or obscureth the verities on which their Faith is established. Before the eyes of all men these verities have been laid bare, and can be unmistakably recognized. Their very acts attest the truth of these words.
(Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 270-271)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Special days
Today is my birthday. I am about to sit down and review my birthday goals for the past few years, and create a new set to carry me for the next year. I am still figuring out how to make these a more integral part of my life, but creating such a list on an annual basis and working towards achieving them - or rather, believing they will come to be and creating the space for them - encourages me.
Best new habit
I've been reading Simple Abundance, a daybook by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I've found the wisdom in it grounding and comforting. Learning to accept myself and accept and love my life has been incredibly helpful for moving me to doing new things and embracing greater joy.
I took one of the exercises from this book and have actually been able to maintain it on a near-daily basis for months. My gratitude journal continues to grow each evening with five things I'm grateful for. I've found myself thinking ahead to bedtime and wondering what I would include. I've read over the pages of notes a few times, and they are amazingly inspiring and uplifting. I'm embedding an encouraging habit into my daily life, as well as creating a repository of inspiration for those times when I am really, really low.
I took one of the exercises from this book and have actually been able to maintain it on a near-daily basis for months. My gratitude journal continues to grow each evening with five things I'm grateful for. I've found myself thinking ahead to bedtime and wondering what I would include. I've read over the pages of notes a few times, and they are amazingly inspiring and uplifting. I'm embedding an encouraging habit into my daily life, as well as creating a repository of inspiration for those times when I am really, really low.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Relationship
I think I'm moving into a new phase of emotional maturity. This one seems to be marked with increased appreciation of and attention to the diverse relationships in my life. While I still would be happy to find a great "relationship," of equal interest to me is growing and learning from all the forms of relationship in my life. After deciding to stay in Kelowna I have grown to appreciate more and more the people around me. My days are made delightful and rich through relationship with others. Connecting with old friends and new energizes me. Figuring out how to give back, and build those connections into something deeper, and see how it all coalesces into community is intensely exciting. Each person I can meet and love brings me joy. I feel blessed to be able to know and appreciate so many amazing people.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Antidote to sad
This is something written by Bahiyyih Khanum, a Baha'i woman who was head of the worldwide Baha'i community at one time. Her wisdom and perspective are so incredible, and a wonderful reminder to me of how to look at the world in the truest possible way.
Portion of a Tablet by Bahiyyih Khanum:
“We ought to show something greater than forgiveness in meeting the cruelties and stricture in our lives. To be hurt and to forgive is saintly, but far beyond this is the power to comprehend and not be hurt. This power we may have—acceptance without complaint—and it should become associated with our name. We ought never to be known to complain or lament. It is not that we make the best of things, but that we may find in everything, even in calamity itself, the germ of enduring wisdom. We ought not to resist the shocks and upheavals of life, nor run counter to obstacles, we ought never to be impatient. We ought to be as incapable of impatience as we would to revolt. This not being so much ‘long suffering’ as a quiet awareness of the forces that operate in the hours, days or years of waiting and inactivity. Always we ought to move with the larger rhythm, the wider sweep towards our ultimate goal, in that complete acquiescence, that perfect accord which underlies the spirit of the Faith itself.”
Portion of a Tablet by Bahiyyih Khanum:
“We ought to show something greater than forgiveness in meeting the cruelties and stricture in our lives. To be hurt and to forgive is saintly, but far beyond this is the power to comprehend and not be hurt. This power we may have—acceptance without complaint—and it should become associated with our name. We ought never to be known to complain or lament. It is not that we make the best of things, but that we may find in everything, even in calamity itself, the germ of enduring wisdom. We ought not to resist the shocks and upheavals of life, nor run counter to obstacles, we ought never to be impatient. We ought to be as incapable of impatience as we would to revolt. This not being so much ‘long suffering’ as a quiet awareness of the forces that operate in the hours, days or years of waiting and inactivity. Always we ought to move with the larger rhythm, the wider sweep towards our ultimate goal, in that complete acquiescence, that perfect accord which underlies the spirit of the Faith itself.”
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
God is in the ambiguity
You know when things in life start falling into place? You meet the right person, get the right job leads, make the right contacts at school, discover a new hobby. And suddenly the path seems clear. You feel the guidance coming at you from all directions, and it's very easy to trust that you are loved, cared for, protected and guided.
Then, inevitably, some complication arises. Perhaps the person isn't quite what you thought, or you realize you're not who you thought you were. Maybe the job seemed great, but you realize it's not the direction you want to move in. Or you just start feeling busy, overwhelmed, pulled in too many directions, and generally uncertain of what to do next. Suddenly, what felt so clear isn't. There is no glowing pathway guiding you into the future. You are left in the morass of ambiguity, and can't feel God's presence. You doubt, in fact, that it's there - you feel left on your own to work through it all, and cross your fingers that you make decent choices.
I think that in that ambiguity is where God really is. Giving you the opportunity to figure out what your heart is saying. Giving you the chance to trust both your inner reality and the omnipresence of divine guidance. Trusting is harder when it doesn't seem clear. But then, as you trust and get in tune with what's inside, the path will open up.
Then, inevitably, some complication arises. Perhaps the person isn't quite what you thought, or you realize you're not who you thought you were. Maybe the job seemed great, but you realize it's not the direction you want to move in. Or you just start feeling busy, overwhelmed, pulled in too many directions, and generally uncertain of what to do next. Suddenly, what felt so clear isn't. There is no glowing pathway guiding you into the future. You are left in the morass of ambiguity, and can't feel God's presence. You doubt, in fact, that it's there - you feel left on your own to work through it all, and cross your fingers that you make decent choices.
I think that in that ambiguity is where God really is. Giving you the opportunity to figure out what your heart is saying. Giving you the chance to trust both your inner reality and the omnipresence of divine guidance. Trusting is harder when it doesn't seem clear. But then, as you trust and get in tune with what's inside, the path will open up.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Insights on the final day of the fast
I can't believe how it's flown by this year (the annual period for the Baha'is of fasting and spiritual rejuvenation before the new year). It's been an emotionally tumultuous time for me, but also a time of insights and growth. I'm grateful for it, as I am every year.
Reading something from the Baha'i Writings this morning, a line jumped out at me in a way it hadn't before:
"Yet to be poor in all save God is a wondrous gift, belittle not the value thereof, for in the end it will make thee rich in God ..." (Baha'u'llah, Hidden Words #51, Arabic)
The idea that poverty, beyond simply being a state that God can help you through, is a blessing, is amazing to me. And it reminds me that the true value of our lives is spiritual. How else can we be free, and free to serve, except by being fully reliant on the ultimate source of everything, including our very being and all our abilities? Moreover, not belittling the value of the tests we go through is a profound shift in consciousness. I mean, how could you not be upset over the loss of a job, the disappointment of one's hopes, a halted career path? How amazing would that be, to embrace the struggles we face as a chance for growth, and to be grateful for them? This is the state towards which I'm striving - it will be a lifetime endeavor, but one I hope to engage in.
Reading something from the Baha'i Writings this morning, a line jumped out at me in a way it hadn't before:
"Yet to be poor in all save God is a wondrous gift, belittle not the value thereof, for in the end it will make thee rich in God ..." (Baha'u'llah, Hidden Words #51, Arabic)
The idea that poverty, beyond simply being a state that God can help you through, is a blessing, is amazing to me. And it reminds me that the true value of our lives is spiritual. How else can we be free, and free to serve, except by being fully reliant on the ultimate source of everything, including our very being and all our abilities? Moreover, not belittling the value of the tests we go through is a profound shift in consciousness. I mean, how could you not be upset over the loss of a job, the disappointment of one's hopes, a halted career path? How amazing would that be, to embrace the struggles we face as a chance for growth, and to be grateful for them? This is the state towards which I'm striving - it will be a lifetime endeavor, but one I hope to engage in.
Monday, March 17, 2008
The big joker
Here comes some more revisionist history.
Maybe you remember the bag I wrote about a while ago - the perfect shoulder/ activity bag in canvas that I'd gotten rid of in a fit of spring cleaning. How I missed it, and continued to miss it and want it (and fantasize about finding it again in some second hand shop around town). I had accepted its loss, but it kept creeping into my consciousness with annoying persistence. It's a bag! That's all!
Anyhow, this morning my mom is on a spring cleaning run and pulls out all the clothes we've been accumulating in our discard pile. She asks me to look through the bag one more time, and I don't want to bother, but finally decide to check just to make sure. A few items in - there's my bag!! Good as new, just as perfect as I remember.
It's amazing to me how the universe can fulfill even the silliest and smallest of our needs, in such exquisite detail. What's the lesson in this one? Acknowledge your intuition; value the desires of your heart; and don't worry about what happens, because if something is really for you, you will get it in the end.
Maybe you remember the bag I wrote about a while ago - the perfect shoulder/ activity bag in canvas that I'd gotten rid of in a fit of spring cleaning. How I missed it, and continued to miss it and want it (and fantasize about finding it again in some second hand shop around town). I had accepted its loss, but it kept creeping into my consciousness with annoying persistence. It's a bag! That's all!
Anyhow, this morning my mom is on a spring cleaning run and pulls out all the clothes we've been accumulating in our discard pile. She asks me to look through the bag one more time, and I don't want to bother, but finally decide to check just to make sure. A few items in - there's my bag!! Good as new, just as perfect as I remember.
It's amazing to me how the universe can fulfill even the silliest and smallest of our needs, in such exquisite detail. What's the lesson in this one? Acknowledge your intuition; value the desires of your heart; and don't worry about what happens, because if something is really for you, you will get it in the end.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
God, laughing at me
A revised lesson.
After a full day, I drove from my drumming class to the Gator downtown for friend Ken's birthday get-together. An evening of dancing. Wasn't completely sure I was in the mood, but he's my friend. As I'm walking there, these guys in a car start calling "hey, hey!" I ignore and keep walking, then I hear one say "It's Alon!"
OMG! I turn and it is! It's the world's most amazing dancer, Alon, the Israeli guy, about whom I lamented concerning the last dance never taken. I thought it was a bitter-sweet lesson on the moment not seized. Instead, this is a chance for me to realize that you never know what is around the corner, and what bounty is in store for you moment to moment.
I created a minor traffic incident, running over to say hello and then dodging traffic. He pulled up and parked in front of the Gator - that was his destination for the night. The quiet guy beside him got out - his little brother Benny, also Russian speaking.
We went in, we all hung out, and then Alon & I danced - a jive (Alon can make even the cha-cha cool. And that is saying something). Half-way through I realized, I wasn't making eye contact with him. Maybe my strong anti-flirt vibes ... but I remembered that eye contact is part of the communication of dance, so I started to, and something shifted. Suddenly I was getting what he was doing; suddenly the dance took off. The sync, the connection happened, and we started flying! Spinning, dipping, even that one where he holds my hands and I free-fall backwards to the floor. We had it! We were both smiling and laughing from the sheer joy of the connection.
Later, his brother and I made it out onto the floor - another jive. He danced the jive to a different beat. It was a little disorienting at first - but then I just followed. And the same thing happened: at some point, we just GOT each other and started flying and styling and grooving and laughing out of the sheer exhilaration of dance.
Incidentally - he is a mini-version of his brother! Same moves, same stylings, same smile.
What I learned: it's not over. It's just starting again, continuing on, moving forwards. Magic is just around the corner. Live life and expect it - it will find you.
After a full day, I drove from my drumming class to the Gator downtown for friend Ken's birthday get-together. An evening of dancing. Wasn't completely sure I was in the mood, but he's my friend. As I'm walking there, these guys in a car start calling "hey, hey!" I ignore and keep walking, then I hear one say "It's Alon!"
OMG! I turn and it is! It's the world's most amazing dancer, Alon, the Israeli guy, about whom I lamented concerning the last dance never taken. I thought it was a bitter-sweet lesson on the moment not seized. Instead, this is a chance for me to realize that you never know what is around the corner, and what bounty is in store for you moment to moment.
I created a minor traffic incident, running over to say hello and then dodging traffic. He pulled up and parked in front of the Gator - that was his destination for the night. The quiet guy beside him got out - his little brother Benny, also Russian speaking.
We went in, we all hung out, and then Alon & I danced - a jive (Alon can make even the cha-cha cool. And that is saying something). Half-way through I realized, I wasn't making eye contact with him. Maybe my strong anti-flirt vibes ... but I remembered that eye contact is part of the communication of dance, so I started to, and something shifted. Suddenly I was getting what he was doing; suddenly the dance took off. The sync, the connection happened, and we started flying! Spinning, dipping, even that one where he holds my hands and I free-fall backwards to the floor. We had it! We were both smiling and laughing from the sheer joy of the connection.
Later, his brother and I made it out onto the floor - another jive. He danced the jive to a different beat. It was a little disorienting at first - but then I just followed. And the same thing happened: at some point, we just GOT each other and started flying and styling and grooving and laughing out of the sheer exhilaration of dance.
Incidentally - he is a mini-version of his brother! Same moves, same stylings, same smile.
What I learned: it's not over. It's just starting again, continuing on, moving forwards. Magic is just around the corner. Live life and expect it - it will find you.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Turning to the source
I have something going on in my life right now which is a bit ... unsettled. I'm not quite sure what's happening, how things are developing, what I should do next, or how to think about things. While it is indeed "all good," I've found my mind dwelling on it more than I want, and my stress level rising. And in particular, I'm trying to figure out what I should do. In other words: how do I control this situation?
And with that, I know I need to change direction. It is sorely tempting to hash things over with every friend I have and strategize about what I "should do" and evaluate the potential implications of all my choices. However, that is moving me away from a place of trust and reliance on God and on His love for me. It's putting me out on a ledge of insecurity as I try and hang on with my fingernails and micromanage.
Instead, I decided to pray. And not just pray: pray more and more. There's a popular saying in Christianity: PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens. And that's what I've elected to do here. I know that the best outcome can only come when I'm completely comfortable, confident and aligned with all the spiritual forces out there. That's where I want to be, and I'm going to PUSH my way forward - as gently as possible! - until Something Happens.
And with that, I know I need to change direction. It is sorely tempting to hash things over with every friend I have and strategize about what I "should do" and evaluate the potential implications of all my choices. However, that is moving me away from a place of trust and reliance on God and on His love for me. It's putting me out on a ledge of insecurity as I try and hang on with my fingernails and micromanage.
Instead, I decided to pray. And not just pray: pray more and more. There's a popular saying in Christianity: PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens. And that's what I've elected to do here. I know that the best outcome can only come when I'm completely comfortable, confident and aligned with all the spiritual forces out there. That's where I want to be, and I'm going to PUSH my way forward - as gently as possible! - until Something Happens.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Doing and Being (and Judging)
I'm back to reflecting on self-acceptance and work and career and accomplishments and character and who I am, really. I don't like this space - comparing my accomplishments to others, calculating that I fall short, and thus feeling insecure. On the other hand, I think I could do and accomplish more (write more, publish more, serve more - but primarily the first two). Not that I'd be willing to give up many of my hobbies, or sleep time, or prayer & reflection morning and evening, in order to do so. I feel stuck.
Two responses come to mind. One is practical: if I care so much about my accomplishments, learn to become efficient and do more. Maybe. Seems simplistic. But might be true. The second: pure self-acceptance. I'm doing what I can, the best I can. That's my job - not anyone else's - so I need to just keep on doing it.
I feel like the truth is some deeper synthesis of these two perspectives, but I can't feel what it is yet. And it is frustrating. I am frustrated. And I suppose I should get some work done.
Two responses come to mind. One is practical: if I care so much about my accomplishments, learn to become efficient and do more. Maybe. Seems simplistic. But might be true. The second: pure self-acceptance. I'm doing what I can, the best I can. That's my job - not anyone else's - so I need to just keep on doing it.
I feel like the truth is some deeper synthesis of these two perspectives, but I can't feel what it is yet. And it is frustrating. I am frustrated. And I suppose I should get some work done.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
No perfection here!
Some of you may recall my post on how, the day I got my new writing desk, I messed up the surface by scoring it with ink. Well, that desk has been the site of another desecration.
A month or so ago, I went with my brother to a friend's house who was showing him some things on using lighting for photography. He asked me to model, and they took a bunch of photos. I've been eager to see then, and last night, his friend gave me a large version of one of the photos - a really beautiful shot, set against an enhanced background. Honestly - it's really beautiful, and for me, that is really an unusual thing. It's the kind of glamour shot I actually would frame and put up. So, to keep it safe, I put it on the desk when I got home last night.
I was brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush - something I've been using without problem for over 3 months. I was wandering around, pulling some stuff from my table, and the toothbrush - bristles spraying - FLEW from my mouth. Landed on the table. Sprayed toothpaste all over. I quickly retrieved it, but some damage had been done. There was now a toothpaste watermark on the photo.
Now, why did this happen? What was this about? Maybe I should have been more careful - but I'd never before had a flying toothbrush incident. What am I to learn here?
It could be a lesson on vanity. But really, I'm not that vain, or really vain at all. It could be a strike against materialism - what is a photo compared to life? It could be a chance to humble myself and ask if he could print me another copy (I would willingly pay). Or maybe, my desk really is a swirling vortex of evil. Curious what lesson I will draw from this experience.
A month or so ago, I went with my brother to a friend's house who was showing him some things on using lighting for photography. He asked me to model, and they took a bunch of photos. I've been eager to see then, and last night, his friend gave me a large version of one of the photos - a really beautiful shot, set against an enhanced background. Honestly - it's really beautiful, and for me, that is really an unusual thing. It's the kind of glamour shot I actually would frame and put up. So, to keep it safe, I put it on the desk when I got home last night.
I was brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush - something I've been using without problem for over 3 months. I was wandering around, pulling some stuff from my table, and the toothbrush - bristles spraying - FLEW from my mouth. Landed on the table. Sprayed toothpaste all over. I quickly retrieved it, but some damage had been done. There was now a toothpaste watermark on the photo.
Now, why did this happen? What was this about? Maybe I should have been more careful - but I'd never before had a flying toothbrush incident. What am I to learn here?
It could be a lesson on vanity. But really, I'm not that vain, or really vain at all. It could be a strike against materialism - what is a photo compared to life? It could be a chance to humble myself and ask if he could print me another copy (I would willingly pay). Or maybe, my desk really is a swirling vortex of evil. Curious what lesson I will draw from this experience.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Dog and God: more than anagrams
Pico has developed the habit of sleeping with me at night. She's little and generally well-behaved, so I don't mind. However, she can be skittish and keeps changing her mind about when she's ready for bed. Last night she pushed her way into my room and sat on the floor by the bed looking at me with her big eyes, whimpering for me to lift her up on the bed. I kept saying, come HERE. come HERE, and I'll lift you up. Come here. Here! Come here! Come on! She kept moving away whenever my hands got close to her. I got out of bed, and she scuttled down to the end, further away the closer I got. Finally I grabbed her and put her on the bed.
"Why do you run away when you want me to pick you up?" I asked her, exasperated.
And then I realized that that's probably what God is asking Himself about me. Why do I run away? And run faster the closer He gets?
"Why do you run away when you want me to pick you up?" I asked her, exasperated.
And then I realized that that's probably what God is asking Himself about me. Why do I run away? And run faster the closer He gets?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Working on myself
In line with my attempts to change/ improve, and eliminate some of the negativity I've had lately, I think it would be worth my while to work through the following:
http://radicalchange.wordpress.com/2008/01/13/nlpanisabahai-inspired-technique-for-changing-looking-for-validation-from-others-and-then-getting-all-depressed-to-self-validating-and-being-energized/
I haven't read it thoroughly, but it does make me think of cognitive behavioral therapy - choosing your thoughts, choosing ones that more accurately reflect a reality that is never as negative as I can paint it.
http://radicalchange.wordpress.com/2008/01/13/nlpanisabahai-inspired-technique-for-changing-looking-for-validation-from-others-and-then-getting-all-depressed-to-self-validating-and-being-energized/
I haven't read it thoroughly, but it does make me think of cognitive behavioral therapy - choosing your thoughts, choosing ones that more accurately reflect a reality that is never as negative as I can paint it.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Gratitude
Last night I was saying one of my favourite prayers - the Tablet of Ahmad, revealed by Baha'u'llah to one of His followers (must find my history books and check out more details about it). I came across a line I know I've read thousands of times before, and it suddenly hit me in a new way:
"O Ahmad! Forget not My bounties while I am absent."
How often do I do this? Forget about all of God's blessings and ongoing assistance in my life in those times when I can't seem to see Him as clearly as I want? To negate the existence of those bounties because they are not what I think I deserve? In God's absence, I want to appreciate His bounties as clearly as when He is more visibly present. Because the truth is, He is always present.
And then on the human scale: why do I doubt the love of others when they are not immediately before me, meeting my needs in a visible way? That love - that bounty - is still there, whether they are near or far.
"O Ahmad! Forget not My bounties while I am absent."
How often do I do this? Forget about all of God's blessings and ongoing assistance in my life in those times when I can't seem to see Him as clearly as I want? To negate the existence of those bounties because they are not what I think I deserve? In God's absence, I want to appreciate His bounties as clearly as when He is more visibly present. Because the truth is, He is always present.
And then on the human scale: why do I doubt the love of others when they are not immediately before me, meeting my needs in a visible way? That love - that bounty - is still there, whether they are near or far.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Standing up, remix
I think I've become substantially more assertive over the years. I know myself pretty well; value myself; and tend to feel pretty comfortable over deciding what to say yes and no to. In some situations, though, standing up for myself can be shockingly challenging. When a situation makes me feel less or needy, then standing up for my rights - particularly around people I'm close to - is a real struggle. To say "you shouldn't treat me that way" - wow, that can be hard. Particularly to say it with love for both myself and the other.
I'm back in a similar situation of feeling run over by someone. I thought I'd dealt with this all before, but here it comes again. And yes, it feels as lousy as it did the last time. My sense of self has taken a beating. At the same time - I know it's back so I can do it again, and get it right - and feel good about myself throughout it. I can respect myself enough to let someone know how I will and will not be treated. I can do it with respect and love. And I can do it - have that awkward and strained talk - and still find a way to keep the relationship going. And I will stay and see it through.
Here goes.
I'm back in a similar situation of feeling run over by someone. I thought I'd dealt with this all before, but here it comes again. And yes, it feels as lousy as it did the last time. My sense of self has taken a beating. At the same time - I know it's back so I can do it again, and get it right - and feel good about myself throughout it. I can respect myself enough to let someone know how I will and will not be treated. I can do it with respect and love. And I can do it - have that awkward and strained talk - and still find a way to keep the relationship going. And I will stay and see it through.
Here goes.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Avoiding meltdown
So I'm teaching a course at the university this semester. I was hired just a few days before classes started, which left me not much time to come up with a syllabus and prepare to teach classes. I've been keeping afloat, at least partly because I am spending all my time on this one small job, and also because I love the course content. But it is definitely pushing me to my limits.
Today I am trying to prepare for lecture for this week, and for next week; to get notes made up before I leave for the weekend; to find a couple additional readings for next week; and to post them on my course webspace and update that site. These activities have pushed me to the edge of violence. I am prepared to take a baseball bat to anything in my path. I cannot find the articles I want. The "connect from a distance" software I took the time to install is not allowing me to actually browse the databases, so I can't find articles. When I tried to upload at least my assignments to the course webpage, they would not load properly, and the page is now a mess. And all this leaves me with no time or mental ability to prepare for lecture.
In response, I turned off the computer, turned out the light, and just lay on the bed for a few minutes. I realized that while I was prepared to kill, I was not entirely happy with this response. Feeling this frustrated surely comes from somewhere, but it's just the automatic reaction I've been conditioned to experience. And it is not one that is fun to be around. If I choose, I can override biology and choose a calmer response.
A few minutes later, I got up and printed out a few things I'd been working on, and feeling much calmer, prepared to head to the university (after an acupuncture appointment) to try to find those articles. I may, however, need to go rock climbing tonight to get this out of my system.
Today I am trying to prepare for lecture for this week, and for next week; to get notes made up before I leave for the weekend; to find a couple additional readings for next week; and to post them on my course webspace and update that site. These activities have pushed me to the edge of violence. I am prepared to take a baseball bat to anything in my path. I cannot find the articles I want. The "connect from a distance" software I took the time to install is not allowing me to actually browse the databases, so I can't find articles. When I tried to upload at least my assignments to the course webpage, they would not load properly, and the page is now a mess. And all this leaves me with no time or mental ability to prepare for lecture.
In response, I turned off the computer, turned out the light, and just lay on the bed for a few minutes. I realized that while I was prepared to kill, I was not entirely happy with this response. Feeling this frustrated surely comes from somewhere, but it's just the automatic reaction I've been conditioned to experience. And it is not one that is fun to be around. If I choose, I can override biology and choose a calmer response.
A few minutes later, I got up and printed out a few things I'd been working on, and feeling much calmer, prepared to head to the university (after an acupuncture appointment) to try to find those articles. I may, however, need to go rock climbing tonight to get this out of my system.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
