Compost

Now for something a bit lighter. M is working outside today, cleaning up the yard and building lots of awesome things for us. We really hope to get upstairs by May, so we can rent out the basement.

In the meantime, though ... I helped him build our composter! It's got 2 sides, lids, and a lift-up opening at the bottom so we can dig out the awesome compost once it's produced. I helped measure (usually accurately), used a nail gun for the first time (with most of them going in the right place) and helped him place it and level it. Yay, a place to put all the smelly, green, hairy compost we've been generating!

M's other project now is to make some raised beds for our garden. Boy, that is awesome - I'm so psyched.

Growth

This past fasting period was a strange one for me. I was sick for a lot of it, and my body was not responding well to fasting this year, so I didn't most days. I usually find a bit more time for prayer and reflection, but with that, too, time flew by. I had a few wonderful mornings, up early and with time to read a great book with stories about prayer. But by and large, I was mainly just trying to survive emotionally and physically and very eager for spring. I wanted very much to reap some of the benefits of personal growth it promises, but struggled to find the time and energy to engage with change.

Now, just a few days after it's over, I'm re-learning about all my faults and the many things I need to work on. In the past few days, I've insulted a whole horde of people, mainly unintentionally. I've displayed my inadequate levels of compassion for those whose ways of being offend me (and why am I offended anyways? What is so wrong about bad manners, high heels and being more reserved - even if I interpret it as snobby and stand-off-ish?) I've relearned about how rapidly I judge those who strike me as superficial or hypocritical - which is very quickly - and that I then don't treat them with the love, understanding or warmth that I think I need to show to everyone I meet. In general, I am not displaying respect for the dignity, individuality and creativity of everyone I meet - I'm using my values as the standard for evaluation.

And I am deeply disturbed by this. We're here to build unity. I can only build unity if I see others with an eye of oneness. To me, this means looking to them and expecting great things; being open and curious to learn more about why they do and say the things they do; and watching my words and actions so I express respect for others regardless of their positions. Because much as I might dislike certain behaviours - let's take talking and laughing during a musical performance as one pertinent example - I can't engage with those people and expect change unless I approach them with an attitude of respect.

Telling them to shape up - shut up - shhh - be quiet - simply antagonizes them, pushes them further into their behaviour, and creates camps from which neither of us wants to retreat. I certainly have no desire to apologize for telling people to shush during a musical performance. I'm sure they aren't willing to admit there was anything wrong from talking and joking if they weren't enjoying themselves. But then we end up stuck in our uncomfortable positions, neither giving way, and not moving any closer to unity - or to reforming our own character. From my side, I could learn that I can't control others, and find ways to ask people to be quiet that might be more respectful. For them, they might learn more appreciation of different cultures and develop a deeper understanding of ... good manners :)

So clearly, this isn't a change that will be easy. I still have my ideas of how people should behave. But until I let go of those and approach more people openly and positively, I will continue to make myself miserable by harping over other people's faults, all the while cementing the weaknesses in my own character by judging others, and then truly making myself miserable (and unhealthy, cancer-ridden, etc.) by obsessing over it indefinitely.

In spite of knowing all this, I still am not sure how to move forward with it. I know I need to change. I want to change. I acknowledge that change will be painful and I am open to it. But I know how elusive true transformation can be, and how easily my mind falls into judgment. But that's where we get back to the power of prayer, combined, I hope, with the power of action.

Any other suggestions?

Lookin' good

My hair was getting out of control, so I returned (after about 6 months) to my cool stylist. She also agreed that my hair lacked ... style. We settled on 2 inches off and layers. Layers always sound good! Bring out the curl, you know. Very appealing.

Since she straightens my hair when she cuts it, the style looked at first like that famous 90s icon, Jennifer Aniston. I had the Aniston, and I worked it for a few days. Then I washed it. The result was a little less fashion icon, a little more mullet. Or poodle, perhaps (hey, I'm not complaining. At least it brought out the curl!). Mom thought it looked like Farah Fawcett. Hmm.

The day after washing, it took yet another turn: 80s lead singer in a rock band. Wild and shaggy and, yes, layered all over. I wonder why I always forget what the end result of cool layers is?

In any case, I'm enjoying it. Reminds me of my hair in high school, in a really fun (non-traumatic) way.

Colour

First, I really would love a new digital camera. Because then this entry would make more sense.

M & I very carefully chose our colours for the house. We chose quite a few, but we wanted colour!
Then stuff went on the walls and we weren't so sure.
The lovely muted purple I chose for the office is kind of ... pale Barney/ kid's toy bright.
The gorgeous bluey-green we picked for the sunroom roof & feature walls (so cheezy I know - but there are a couple of the old exterior walls in that room and they're got the wonderful siding on them) is actually ... green. Bright old-school green.
This colour thing is hard!! And while "paint is cheap", sure, it is not THAT cheap. Anyhow ... we'll see what we decide to do.

Talking to myself

Whenever I'm extremely stressed - not just the typical overload, but over-the-top, can't cope, deeply upset - I talk to myself. I find myself saying phrases to myself in an uncontrollable manner, negative thoughts surfacing from somewhere in my subconscious and emerging as mutters under my breath.

Today was a day like that. Feeling awful for most of the day. Then a bad class. Epically bad. I couldn't let it go, and felt worse than I had earlier. Walking away, I found myself muttering all kinds of things to myself: that's awful; I hate my job; I can't do this; go away; you suck; you should quit (note how my subconscious often talks to me, not just for me); I'm never going to get married (I don't know quite what this one means ... it seems disconnected from anything to do with my immediate stress, and serves as an all-purpose criticism. Nice!).

I do know that my work is not sustainable. I hope to make some progress on figuring out what to do and working more effectively (I've signed up for a coaching program to get me going). But work that regularly leaves me feeling like inflicting violence on myself is not really a healthy option.

Here's hoping the home organizing/ environmental coaching work plan works out!