Growth

This past fasting period was a strange one for me. I was sick for a lot of it, and my body was not responding well to fasting this year, so I didn't most days. I usually find a bit more time for prayer and reflection, but with that, too, time flew by. I had a few wonderful mornings, up early and with time to read a great book with stories about prayer. But by and large, I was mainly just trying to survive emotionally and physically and very eager for spring. I wanted very much to reap some of the benefits of personal growth it promises, but struggled to find the time and energy to engage with change.

Now, just a few days after it's over, I'm re-learning about all my faults and the many things I need to work on. In the past few days, I've insulted a whole horde of people, mainly unintentionally. I've displayed my inadequate levels of compassion for those whose ways of being offend me (and why am I offended anyways? What is so wrong about bad manners, high heels and being more reserved - even if I interpret it as snobby and stand-off-ish?) I've relearned about how rapidly I judge those who strike me as superficial or hypocritical - which is very quickly - and that I then don't treat them with the love, understanding or warmth that I think I need to show to everyone I meet. In general, I am not displaying respect for the dignity, individuality and creativity of everyone I meet - I'm using my values as the standard for evaluation.

And I am deeply disturbed by this. We're here to build unity. I can only build unity if I see others with an eye of oneness. To me, this means looking to them and expecting great things; being open and curious to learn more about why they do and say the things they do; and watching my words and actions so I express respect for others regardless of their positions. Because much as I might dislike certain behaviours - let's take talking and laughing during a musical performance as one pertinent example - I can't engage with those people and expect change unless I approach them with an attitude of respect.

Telling them to shape up - shut up - shhh - be quiet - simply antagonizes them, pushes them further into their behaviour, and creates camps from which neither of us wants to retreat. I certainly have no desire to apologize for telling people to shush during a musical performance. I'm sure they aren't willing to admit there was anything wrong from talking and joking if they weren't enjoying themselves. But then we end up stuck in our uncomfortable positions, neither giving way, and not moving any closer to unity - or to reforming our own character. From my side, I could learn that I can't control others, and find ways to ask people to be quiet that might be more respectful. For them, they might learn more appreciation of different cultures and develop a deeper understanding of ... good manners :)

So clearly, this isn't a change that will be easy. I still have my ideas of how people should behave. But until I let go of those and approach more people openly and positively, I will continue to make myself miserable by harping over other people's faults, all the while cementing the weaknesses in my own character by judging others, and then truly making myself miserable (and unhealthy, cancer-ridden, etc.) by obsessing over it indefinitely.

In spite of knowing all this, I still am not sure how to move forward with it. I know I need to change. I want to change. I acknowledge that change will be painful and I am open to it. But I know how elusive true transformation can be, and how easily my mind falls into judgment. But that's where we get back to the power of prayer, combined, I hope, with the power of action.

Any other suggestions?